*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?

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i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”


*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em


Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:


My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing


Role playing is fun, but I’m starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.


Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*


me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.


ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no


I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.