@jake_lach

*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?

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@zachv86

i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, “who is he talking to?” then i thought “who am I talking to?”

@starringmichell

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

@zachreinert03

My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing

@ComedicBust

Role playing is fun, but I’m starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@IndecisiveJones

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

@fro_vo

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

@BuckyIsotope

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.