dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not