I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
Him: Tell me about yourself.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My check liver light just came on
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.