dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

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I like my meth labs like I like my girlfriends: highly unstable and locked in my basement.


Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”


4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?


When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.


Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.