Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
“how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode” – creator of zebras
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
At least my masseuse has my back.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up