I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You Might Also Like
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
There is no “i” in “stupid.”
Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.
Wife and I laugh hysterically,
Then I die a little inside.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad