Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
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my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.