@DrakeGatsby

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

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@duplicitron

I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.

@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@CoopSoSarc

Daughter yells “I love bananas, the bigger the better”.

Wife and I laugh hysterically,

Then I die a little inside.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

@Blarebare

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

@callmeEvian

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad