‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
But this is my emotional support moat full of alligators
[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
what’s for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.