Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place


Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests


my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf


not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven


Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?


[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table


what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so