[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
same vibe as tangled headphones
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Lol.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.