@TheSharona06

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

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@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

@MattTheBrand

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

@3dog101

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

@notthenanny

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@gruffybeard

I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.

Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.

@CornOnTheGoblin

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .