[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

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We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”


Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran


I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.


If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.


I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.


I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters


Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job


*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late