@daemonic3

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

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@SamuelHLowe

– 911, what’s your emergency?
– My nephew just swallowed a lighter!
– What’s your address?
– Never mind, I found some matches.

@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@AndrewNadeau0

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@rabiasquared

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

@SaltyCorpse

I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don’t understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@badAzz_mom

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@murrman5

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”