Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest