Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me too
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?