Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.

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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…


There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.


[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this


Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses.

Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don’t have to say, hashtag

G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson


Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean


when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”


Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”


*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*