i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.