divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

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my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”


Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.


It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.


Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.


I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.


I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18


I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in