my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”
me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Friend: You look tired
Me: It’s been a long life
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
i rescue marijuana from the streets.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in