I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t