@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

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@gimmefirstborn

my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”

@JustinGuarini

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

@AlexvanBeek

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@PressOneForNo

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

@giftedrascal

I just found out my mum didn’t know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in