Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
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DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?