Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You Might Also Like
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.