Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice