50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I have so many questions.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco