divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
scrabbled eggs
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars