Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
🙋♀️
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased