@thinkingparsnip

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

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@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@the_tsai_guy

If someone eggs your house, you can save time cleaning up by just baking your house into a cake.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

@JJSummertime

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@isabelzawtun

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement