@FredTaming

[ DJ-ing ]

me: yeah i take requests

him: can u stop

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.

@thatUPSdude

HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

@trevso_electric

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@ChipKellysBalls

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@hippieswordfish

*newspaper headline*
BIDEN’S EMAIL HACKED
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’

@twelveoclocke

It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store