[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I’d hang this in my house.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.