[ DJ-ing ]

me: yeah i take requests

him: can u stop

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ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.


HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!


Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%


Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet


House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


*newspaper headline*
-‘it was easy’ the hackers said ‘his password was ‘password’


It’s impossible to buy a baguette & carry it home without feeling like an actor who is playing the role of Person Coming Home From The Store