*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
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[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
😂😂😂
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.