DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards


OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here


It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.


[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast


my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized


My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.


sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long


So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.