Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
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Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Richard and friend arguing
Richard makes good point
Richard’s friend says mark my words
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
*flips table into moon*
Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?