[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”


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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.


Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale


NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?


Richard and friend arguing

Richard makes good point

Richard’s friend says mark my words

Richard Marx


Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*


How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.


*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?