[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!