@daemonic3

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

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@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@cray_at_home_ma

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@LuvPug

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

@SteveSuckington

My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots.
The burger was dry but the fries were decent.

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.