[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Milk Cube
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew