DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time