@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

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@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@TheHyyyype

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@SlenderSherbet

“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’

@madcaplaughs30

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

@karri_leigh

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

@Mr_Kapowski

You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did

@4SLars

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.