*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

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Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent


You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.


“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”


Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself: ‘Why am I talking to myself?’


The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”


My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did


Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.


If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.