Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*