Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
A friend helps you before you need it
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?