My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.