Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Muppet Screams
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,