@Douchekevin
Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.
@SvnSxty
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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@Douchekevin
@verb1991
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
@portmanteauface
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
@ninatreemonkey
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
@ashleyaustrew
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
@greeneyed_meg
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
@Julian_Deane
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
@DanKCharnley
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
@JohnLyonTweets
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
@xeyednpainless
If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”