@SvnSxty

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

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@Douchekevin

Men don’t ask for driving directions because we just don’t want to arrive wherever you’re making us go.

@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

@ashleyaustrew

Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!

Family: *tries to help*

Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT

@greeneyed_meg

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@DanKCharnley

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

@JohnLyonTweets

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

@xeyednpainless

If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”