dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!