@better_off_dad
Meditation is just the gateway drug to flat out ignoring people.
@SvnSxty
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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@better_off_dad
@LackOfShame
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
@Darlainky
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
@PhilJamesson
one last job
@rolldiggity
A Star Wars scene where drunk Luke and Han admit they have no idea what Chewie and R2 are saying, and then they both just start laughing
@ImaFlyontheWall
Judge: Did you deal him a death blow with this custom crafted sword?
Me: Yes, your honor, I smelt it and dealt it..
Jury: *giggles*
@EvilHarpy
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
@WheelTod
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
@Godhatespants
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”