“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go