DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
So that’s what we looked like?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Nothing.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.