@amandajpanda

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

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@InternetHippo

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@DaddyJew

Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me

Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@LeahTiscione

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@Kendragarden

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.