DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t


Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


Donald Trump: nobody can out crazy me

Lena Dunham: here, hold my beer


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin


There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.


It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get


Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.


Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.