DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”