DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
You Might Also Like
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties