DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.