DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
True
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*