DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?