[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away
Security Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
You Might Also Like
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.
Conclusion: you are a statue
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.