DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Okay
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.