DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?