@Bouuvine

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

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@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@CruisinSoozan

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

@bencoffeehall

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

@Breadery

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@sofarrsogud

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally