If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Selfie
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My biological clock is wheezing.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Don’t snitch tag.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.