DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

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NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess


(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”



[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.


Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.


When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.


Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.


I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally