Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”