Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.