Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut