*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
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Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?