When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him