Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.