A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.