Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy