never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??