@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

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@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

@Steelers1972

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@MsKitty101

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

@OBiiieeee

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@krisv_723

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!