Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I came this close!!!!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
No laws when master is gone
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.