Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!