[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.