Do celebrities have to do jury duty? Imagine standing trial and you just see Beyoncé sitting there

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[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months


[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles


Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.


Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.


Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.


When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.


It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.


Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?